It's normal to cry

"Do not apologize for crying.

Without this emotion, we are only robots."

~ Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Virtually every week, I sit with someone who apologizes for crying in my office. I'm simultaneously surprised and saddened that they would feel this need. As a therapist it is my work to help people get into a deeper touch with their emotions. And when we go deeper, we may experience feelings that bring up tears. It's normal to cry. It's a release to cry! It's powerful to cry. It's OK to cry! And, I believe, it's necessary to cry - to allow or to give ourselves the moments of being with ourselves.

Crying does not make you or me weaker. It helps us reconnect to ourselves...the part of ourselves which is raw and authentic and often, disconnected. If even a part of me is disconnected, then it takes a lot of work to keep that part stuffed down. The energy needed to stuff any feelings is depleting when in our lives we should be about energizing and building up! What if I suggested that your tears, my tears, were all of the unspoken words we've held inside..the words which may have been brought forth but not heard by another?

It's a leap of faith to cry the 'old' tears. Trust me when I say that I know this of which I speak. I've cried the old, buried, abandoned tears. I've cried deeply and painfully. I've reached down to the core of me, down to the toes and cried it out. Sometimes one tear at a time,sometimes in floods. I know how initially draining this can be and then....how calming the release feels.

I know that if my clients have held back their tears, there is the fear that the tears, when allowed to flow, will NEVER stop.

They will.

I will hold this truth for you, or someone you know. I will trust that with the right person, in the right moment, you will find your tears and feel them begin to wash away the pain or the hurt.

I love looking at the sky....

...because it is ever-changing. You can count on the sky to be different, stunning, promising, threatening....basically a good communicator of how things are or how they will be. We have learned to read the sky and most of us are pretty good at it. We've learned "Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky at morning, sailors take warning" and based on Brian's years of fishing offshore, it's right on track.

Working with my clients, I've come to realize that we aren't as happy with difference in our spouses, partners, kiddos, family. We want them to be consistent, we want to know what to expect or depend on. And, ususally we are disappointed because that is just not how we humans roll.

So, the thought for today is this......what if you looked at the people in your lives as you begin to look at the sky.....with awe, with wonder, with amazement at the diversity that a moment can make. What if they looked at you in that way as well. How might your life be different?

So, about this picture. Interestingly enough, 2 of my friends posted similar photos on FaceBook from this exact sunset. My sister and I were at the mall, Matt 'n Kelsie were in town for a wedding and we just had to pull over and take pictures of this. Stunning, huh? I love it because it is a most unique sky and reminds me of some very good days. What do you connect to your good days?

It's ok to breathe first!

If you've ever flown on a plane, you know that safety procedures are shared almost before the plane leaves the gate. You'll hear that there are exits in the front, the rear and over the wings of the plane. If you are traveling over water, you may hear that your seat cushions can be used as a flotation devise. You will also then hear, that if the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling and the flight attendants will demonstrate how you secure the masks on your face. They will also advise that if you are traveling with small children or the elderly, you........

What do you do?

Who gets the mask first?

If you answered that your children do, you are among the majority. Most people will answer this way.
And yet.....that's incorrect.

"WHAT?" you ask in shock. How on earth could you suggest that to me? My children are precious and I must save them first. (Of course, they are precious and of course you will do what you must to save them - so, read on!)

In actuality, you are called to secure YOUR OWN MASK first and then see to the children or elderly.

"But, I can't do that. It would be so SELFISH!"

I'll come back to the idea of selfish but first I want you to stop and consider WHY they tell you this. Consider that if the cabin loses pressure, you will likely be witnessing a scene out of an "Airplane" movie: people upset, anxious, screaming and flailing about. Imagine trying to calm someone else during the chaos as you try to get their mask properly affixed. What happens if it takes some time to accomplish this? What happens to YOU and your brain, as you are deprived of oxygen? In all seriousness, if you take care of yourself, your brain will be nourished and happy and you'll be able to take care of all those around you. Now imagine that the plane recovers and goes about it's merry way. Perhaps you will have saved your child(ren) but what will become of them if you have not gotten to your own oxygen in time?

So, it would be selfish, huh? What did you learn about selfish when you were growing up? Selfish is doing for yourself and not doing for others, right?

Maybe that's only part of the picture.

I checked out the definition of selfish at Merriam-Webster and here is what I discovered:

1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others
3 : being an actively replicating repetitive sequence of nucleic acid that serves no known function ; also : being genetic material solely concerned with its own replication

Now, I added the bold italics because I loved seeing these definitions and the degree or intensity of personal concern, advantage or well-being that is noted. Doesn't this suggest that there is a degree of self-care or thought that comes before excessiveness takes over?

I want you to consider this for yourself. What I tend to find is that more people become SELF-LESS instead of selfish. It's as if the "I/me" gets lost because of how we do not want to be perceived by others.

Now, I am not suggesting that you pack up and move to Selfishville. Nor do I want you to take up permanent residency in Selfless Town. I want to encourage you to consider what you NEED and WANT to do for yourself in order to continue to take care of others in that lovely little burb known as Balance. Without balance we can become irritated and resentful. And that, my friends, is a story for another day.

Take care of you!